Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Rating: PG, for some not-kiddie appropos language. Oh and murder.
Notes: Because I've never written a desert island fic. It's um, a bit retarded, btw. Title comes from the age-old question of "If you were stranded on a deserted island, and could have only one book, one album, and one person with you, what would you choose?"
Also, terribly sorry it took so long...I seriously could not find the LJ until this morning. And also, was at work when I found it. But, I really do hope you like it tons upon tons!
Like all other desert islands, this one was small, deserted, and covered in coconuts. There were palm trees everywhere, and it had truly spectacular sunsets. The water was crystalline blue, the sky cloudless, and the grottos inviting. Truly a paradise.
Unlike all other desert islands, this one was inhabited by two people that currently were fixated on pissing down each others' throats.
"STOP CALLING ME SHORT!" The blond yelled at the top of his lungs. "I MEAN IT! THE NEXT TIME YOU CALL ME THAT I AM TURNING YOU INTO A BRICK!"
The brunette girl calmly polished her glasses, holding them up to the light to check for spots. "Okay, number one, I am right here, and am not deaf. The screaming is so not needed. And secondly...well, you are short. I mean, I've got a good couple inches on you and stuff. And I'm not exactly an Amazon."
"Well, obviously not. You still have both of your boobs. Or well, what passes for them anyways," Edward snorted, wiping sweat off of his brow. Even without his overcoat, it was sweltering.
"Excuse me, but I will have you know that my tits are exquisite miniatures." Honooko glowered at him. "Besides, I have it on good authority that more than a handful's a waste."
He snorted again as he started polishing his automail. "Winry is going to kill me when she sees this...I think I'm rusting. Damn moist air..."
Just then, the sound of branches being stepped on startled them.
"Okay wait. There are two people on this island. You and me. So if you're here and I'm here then...who the hell is that?"
"Small woodland creature?" He shrugged.
"It's an island, you idiot. There are no small woodland creatures."
"Don't call me an idiot, idiot." Ed glared.
"But you are an idiot. A short, stupid, blond idiot." She turned to face the woods, covering her eyes with one hand to shield them from the sun. She also failed to notice Edward reaching out to strangle her. "I think I see something back there..."
Curiosity subduing the feeling of Faster, Alchemist, Kill! Kill!, he too stared into the woods. "It's...rather tall and bipedal for a small woodland creature."
Biting back a retort, she smirked. "Let's kill and eat it with fire."
"Uh...we don't know what it is? And um, we'd need Roy for the last part, and I think he actually made it onto a lifeboat..."
Oh, right. She vaguely recalled Roy Mustang getting into a liferaft with Riza and not letting anyone else on. Something about dressing up as Captain Stubing and Julie your Cruise Director from The Love Boat. Which, yeah hi, incredibly disturbing mental imagery right there. Plus, Isaac was totally the best character.
"I have an idea." He didn't like the sound of that. "Yes, let's track it down. And kill it with fire. So it doesn't kill us with...not fire." He stared at her. "Shut up."
"No that makes sense. Better to kill than be killed." His automail turned into a machete. "Let's move."
Several hours, a box of fruit roll-ups, several bathroom breaks ("Turn your back and cover your ears!" "Like I've never heard someone take a piss before!"), and a debate over the relevance of the Dadaist movement to modern European society later, the pair found themselves settling for the night with a small campfire. Ed was eating smores and Honooko sat deep in thought.
"I bet it's a polar bear."
He stared at her.
"You know...like on LOST."
"That...makes no sense." He hated getting sticky stuff on his automail. His fingers were glued together from the marshmallowey goodness.
"Sure it does."
"...Okay." In the process of attempting to free his fingers, he stuck his hands together instead. Wonderful. He tried pulling but it only made them snap back together and smack him in the face. He fumed.
She hugged her knees to her chest. "I wonder if that Hobbit guy will show up..."
"You don't listen to yourself speak, do you?" He started chewing himself free.
"Eh, I come and go as I please." The sound of twigs snapping alerted them to the sinister presence once again hiding near them. "It's heeeeeeeeeeeeeereeeeeeee!" She grabbed a very large stick. "Knock knock!"
"Who's there?" A feminine voice answered.
"PIPING HOT DEATH!" There was a loud thud as the stick connected with the person's skull. Ed at this point had unstuck his hands and made his automail into a knife again. He screamed as he leapt into action.
WHACK! STAB! STABBITY STAB WHACK WHACK THUD!
After beating and stabbing the person until nothing remained but wet smacking sounds, the pair stopped what they were doing. Panting, Honooko stared down at the victim. All that was recognizable was the hair...medium-length black hair with pink-coloured bangs in front.
It was Roze.
Or rather...what was left of her.
The stared at the body in silence. Ed pondered for a few moments what Roy would do. Realizing that lighting the body on fire to destroy all evidence wasn't necessarily a good idea, he then turned to what Al would do. And...well, curling up into the fetal position and crying really wasn't a whole lot better in terms of options. Winry would just repair something. And Riza'd shoot it to make sure it was dead.
Wow. His life was...really different from most people's.
"Oh hell." He brushed his hand through his hair. "Um...should we bury her? You know...give her a funeral or something?"
He opened his mouth to reply when he realized he didn't actually care. "Touché."
They stared at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do next.
"So um...you wanna have sex or something?" Ed shrugged. "It'll help pass the time."
She shrugged back. "'Kay."
And they did. And it was good.
Eventually, the two erstwhile travelers were rescued by...um...Hughes. Yes, Hughes rescued them using a horse and buggy with some twine.
And they all had margaritas during a limbo contest and lived happily ever after. Except for Roze, because no one cared about her anyways.