sharp as a tack and twice as quick (juleskicks) wrote in slashtheslasher,
sharp as a tack and twice as quick


Title: Guard Duty
Written by: juleskicks
Written for: blankversesfic, and I hope it pleases! *waves*
Fandom: RPF (Eric Bana/David Wenham, primarily, but various other characters are mentioned/make appearances).

Everything ought to have been fine. By all reason, they shouldn't have got caught. After all, Eric and David had been having sex while they were posted to guard duty for weeks. Sometimes a couple of the other guards would join them. Like the time Sean had stumbled across them. That had been really nice. Eric had asked Dave if it was at all weird, doing all that stuff with Sean when they had played brothers and all, and Dave had asked if it was at all weird doing stuff with Orlando when *they* had played brothers and all. To which Dave had responded "Touche", or would have, anyway, if he hadn't been busy making out with him some more.

Except that today, their mistress, the Divine Goddess, Their Lady who was Full to the Utmost Brim with Infinite Wisdom and who was a Perfect Paragon of Voluptuous Feminine Beauty, had forgotten her wallet. And so, of course, Their Lady who was Full to the Utmost Brim with Infinite Wisdom and who was a Perfect Paragon of Voluptuous Feminine Beauty had had to run back into the fortress to get it. And David and Eric hadn't really heard her coming.

She had heard them coming, though. Oh, *man*, had she heard them coming. That, really, was where the trouble lay, in the fact that Their Lady who was Full to the Utmost Brim with Infinite Wisdom and who was a Perfect Paragon of Voluptuous Feminine Beauty had heard Eric and David coming.

That was what they had to call Gillian. Their Lady who was Full to the Utmost Brim with Infinite Wisdom and who was a Perfect Paragon of Voluptuous Feminine Beauty. Or sometimes just Their Lady, or the Divine Goddess. Something along those lines, anyway. The full title had been a group effort, Eric thought. Orlando'd had the biggest part in coming up with it, though. Little suck up. Not that he wasn't *good* at using his mouth to get himself out of trouble, or that Eric could really blame anyone for falling for it, seeing as he'd been duped into taking over some of Orlando's duties by virtue of Orlando's oral skills, and no, he wasn't referring to his ability to sweet-talk, multiple times. It was just a little annoying that Orlando felt so compelled to suck up otherwise. Not like he wasn't the favorite anyway. Would've been nice if he'd give the rest of them at least a fighting chance.

"What am I going to do with you boys?" Their Lady Gillian asked, clucking her tongue as if she were very disappointed. Which she actually might have been, Eric wasn't entirely certain. It could be hard to tell sometimes. "You're supposed to be guarding the fortress. Which means vigilance. Which entails paying attention. That *was* clear, right?"

Sighs. These in unison. And then, perfectly synchronized, "Yes, your divine greatness."

"That didn't sound like there was any capitalization involved, boys. Very disappointing. Not nearly respectful enough. Do I have to get Orlando in here to show you how it's done?"

"No, ma'am," David said, sighing.

"Get plenty enough of Orlando as it is," Eric muttered. Then he said "Ow!" because Dave had kicked him in the ankle.

"There is no such thing as enough Orlando," Gillian said firmly. She was glowering at them both. "And Dave, sweetie, I think I can do my own disciplining."

"Yes, ma'am."

Eric rolled his eyes. With his head bowed in deference, this wasn't visible to their Great Goddess. Which was probably better for him, as she really didn't seem to take well to people insulting Orlando. Not that Eric really had a problem with him, mind, just that he was the favorite. And no one liked the favorite.

Also, David's deference could get a little old sometimes.

"So, boys," Gillian asked, "do we understand that our duties while the Goddess is away involve guarding her fortress? Or are we going to have to watch our old epic movies again to remind ourselves of what fortress defence entails? Because I can tell you right now, I don't mind sitting through 'Troy' or 'The Two Towers' again."

Two more sighs, these, as the earlier ones had been, in unison. "Yes, your Divine Greatness, we understand."

"Good. And that was a very nice response, boys. Much better than before," she said cheerfully. "And, look, not that I'm opposed to the pretty Australian nakedness, but I put you in armor for a reason when you're guarding the fortress. Namely, that you're supposed to be *guarding the fortress*. So it kind of defeats the purpose if you take the armor off and start making out as soon as I'm gone. You see what I mean, puppies?"

"Yes, your Divine Greatness."

"There we go!" Gillian said, as cheerful as before. "See, now you're getting the hang of it. That sounded very good. Very respectful."

"Thank you," David said cheerfully. Or, at least, it sounded like it had been said cheerfully. Eric sneaked a look at him, because he wasn't sure if he were being sarcastic or not. It could be hard to tell with Dave.

Really, he decided, there was far too much sarcasm in Their Lady's fortress. He ought to speak to someone about that.

"Anyway," Gillian said, "I'm going to try again. And this time, I'm leaving a camera on. And if I come back to find footage of you two having sex, I'm going to sell it on the Internet, *and* assign you extra guard duty. Okay?"

"Yes, your Divine Greatness." In unison. She liked it when things were in unison. Said it made stuff sound much more professional. He wasn't entirely sure how much more professional it got than supreme overlord -- overlady? -- but whatever made Their Lady happy, Eric supposed.

She beamed. "Very good. I'll see you boys later, then. Be good!"

After she was gone, of course, it was mostly just a matter of finding a place that was out of range of the cameras. Sean had tipped them off that there was no sound on the camera system, so that wasn't really an issue. Thank goodness. Staying out of sight was hard enough, staying silent would've been impossible.

And when she got back, he would speak to her about the sarcasm issue. It was really something that required her attention.

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